Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Struggling to Stay Strong

Since I am writing this blog to remember these times just as much as to celebrate Lola's achievements, I have to be honest that this is the hardest thing I have ever been through. Tonight while sitting on the couch watching Nathan and Tait put together Legos, it hit baby girl may not come home next week.  I know next week wasn't certain, but I have had 2 weeks in my mind as a timeline.

While little girl has advanced so much, she still has a ways to go before I can bring her home.   She really needs to be able to eat all of her feedings either by bottle or breast before she can come home.  At this time she is eating 5-8 ml of a 38ml bottle before her little tired body gives out and she goes to sleep. This kills me. There is nothing I can do to help her through this. I am trying to be patient, but I am tired of having to juggle the time I spend with her and the time I spend with Tait. I feel guilty when I am with one of them and not the other.

I try to not cry in front of Tait because I know that it affects him. He doesn't want to see me cry and doesn't understand why Mommy is sad.  So, I keep it bottled inside until I feel as if my chest will burst.  It is not fair!  I  want my family under one roof. I should be up every two hours right now...not just twice to pump. I should hear the cries of an infant in my house at 2 am instead of it bring oddly empty. Empty like a part of my heart.  The part that misses Lola tremendously, both when I am without her as well as when I watch her in the isolette unable to hold or touch her.

I am grateful for Lola and her life.  That night last week could have gone far worse.  However, I am still allowed to mourn the maternity leave I had envisioned. Instead, I watch it tick away as yet another day that my child is not at home.  I google information on length of nicu stays, how long it took babies' to eat, etc...just trying to find hope that would make tomorrow the day that I would get to start plans around when I could bring my child home.

This is so hard. So much harder than I ever imagined it would be.  I am struggling to stay strong, but I am afraid I am much weaker than everyone gives me credit for.

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” 

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